A bad encounter

* Is a long one, have patience and bear with me, thank you.

A very upseting experience at TTS hospital on Wed 18/7/07. After this long-awaited appointment to find out what actually causes my headache for a few months, the doctor was so arrogant that really pisses me off. Advice by friends to do a check and a Chinese doctor to do a full blood test or MRI scan and clear any doubts of cancer or weakness in other area of my body first before I go back to him.

In fact, the Lord was so good to reveal to me just before I went to TTS that my headaches can be due to lack of blood and poor blood circulation which can cause numbness on part of my head. This was told by the Chinese doctor which I won't have gone to if not for the convienent that it was just next door to the saloon where I was then. The lady insisted that I see this doctor and I went over with her. I Then left for TTS, since I had an appointment there.

I was refer to TTS by Polyclinic. After a few questions of my job as a tutor and with some quick manual examination - e.g knocking myboth legs with a hammer like tools and making me look with left and then right eyes. He continued to ask questions while he was examining me and I just couldn't answer him properly - whether my students are difficult to handle and beside this what else do I do, before I could say anything more. He quickly concluded that tension and stress caused my headaches. Since morning I was having severe pain like two knives cutting through my left and right brain.
Although this happen less often then before and on other days the headaches were mild, it came on and off but I still feel lousy. Hoping to find a cure for it.

This was what he said, " You know your own problems, you know when your headaches would come and go. Now I will prescribe you this medication for your headaches which will make you feel drowsy. It will take a few months or even years which I will not know, it depend on you." "This medication has alot of side effects, like rashes and it really make you feel sleepy, so my advice to you is take 2 at night before you sleep and there are also many other side effects."


So I ask, " Aren't you going to get me do MRI scan or at least a full blood test before you decided on medication for me." He said, " There is no need for it, since you did it in 2003. It will come back the same now and you will be frightened by the bubbles, holes and white spots you see on the film which may lead to unneccessary further examination."

* On second thought, I was wondering who is reading the scan, he or me. I won't be able to read them. I will trust the doctor's view if there is nothing. I felt that he must have missed read them before otherwise he need not tell me all this. He can keep the bubbles, holes and white spots to himself if there isn't anything.

I told him that it is 2007 now, how sure are you that it is going to be the same. He said, " Very sure! If you want MRI scan, I can give you." He sounded so uninterested and this made me feel that he is a lousy doctor. After all, what he will be seeing are bubbles, holes and white spots even though he should be able to read it correctly. I make me feel that his job as a doctor has become his chores.
So I asked, what about full blood test, he just laughed it off and said," You think you got tumor?" I told him, " May be beside tumor, there may be other reason I am having this headaches?" He said, " So you want a full body check-up, I can recommend you." I was so put off my him.

He continued to say, " You must be going through some rough patches now and you know where the problems lie. This medication will help you, so do you want the medication?" He was in a hurry to scribble the presciption for me. I was so upset with him that he made me tears with his insistant on a conclusion so quickly. He assessed me by his own mind set that made me feel as if he pushed a knife into me and said I told you I was right. Wishing that I should just accept his life sentence. I feel that he was so ridiculous and I wonder how many patient under him took his decision. I stood up and told him that I didn't want any medication. He said," So you don't want medication?" I walk out of his clinic fuming mad with tears. He made many assumptions so presumptuously.

*Even my Prof Fred who is so good in counselling, he told us that it will take at least 2 to 3 sessions of 1 hr to know that under lying problems of a counselee. And of course more sessions to help counselee see.

I went out to meet Mentor Y who was waiting outside for me. I complained to her about the doctor's attitude. She said that she would see the doctor and asked what's going on. The doctor wanted Mentor Y to go in with me. I was so upset that I scolded the doctor for his poor attitude but Mentor Y asked me to quiet down and she wanted to hear him speak.

So he repeated half of what he said and told Mentor Y if I need a counselor for my rough time, he could recommend me. I told Mentor Y to tell him my life condition as she knows my up and down, she know how I am doing but because of her own set of mind that she feels along with what the doctor had said, instead she asked questions of her own opinion of my headaches. We left the clinic, since I didn't want anything offer by the doctor.

She told me later that may be because of my past accumulated stress and tension that bought upon my headaches which I felt was so unfounded. I have released my past to the Lord. No one can concluded like this, unless there is evidences of it. It only brings about hurt to the patient. I was even more upset by then. Although Mentor Y didn't speak for me in the situation, I still thank God that she was around, especially moment like this. As her presence, was a support already. Usually, I go appointment alone but that day was so special that I had someone with me. Usually is a day surgery that I will have someone with me because I will feel drowsy after operation.

My present life is so different, I have great support from good friends that are counselors and also non counselors. I learn how to handle problems, be it home or work. If I can't, I seek help immediately and work it out instead of keeping them in my heart. Any mistake I made when I come to realise it, I try to correct them as soon as I can.

During the difficult period of 5 mths preparing the Chiang Mai mission trip last year with so many trials that I had to face, I had no headaches at all, not even the slightest, I just felt that was so amazing. With so many humans attack from within. God must have imparted to me special Functioning Graces at that time, just taught by Mentor P yesterday-19/7/08. This lesson brings me great understanding about God imparting His strength to me.

My present bible study group and church brings me joy and strength. When I told my Mentor P, she said, " Go try the Chinese doctor, may help instead." She was simply laughing away.
When I told Anthony what happened, he said," Why don't you tell him that he needs a counselor for his job attitude instead."
Well! I am less angry now because I believe that God is in control and anything happens is for His glory and purpose.

I have encountered such a doctor for the second time. Rebecca almost lost her life because of a professor in KK who was so sure that there was nothing wrong with her that I almost walk out of his clinic because he scolded me for over reacting as a mum. He said that after his examination there was nothing wrong with her. I opened the clinic door but turned back, I had decided to ask him one last question that made him re-examine Rebecca. Sudden fear came upon him when he lifted Rebecca's leg up, she gave a loud scream which he sent her for a immediate X-ray. He waited for us til lunch time was over. His anxiousness made me felt something serious was taking place.

Once he read the X-ray, he told me that soon Rebecca would not be able to eat, urine and do anything on her own. I asked him , "What do you mean?" he never answer me. I was very frightened and upset by his arrogant. He said, " Go and ask the nurse outside to arrange for my top surgeon from SGH." I was so disturbed by his attitude. At that time, I had to focus on Rebecca, I put my frustration with him aside.
When the MRI scan came out, SB Tan the surgeon said that she had to operate quickly because 90% of her last column bone below her back move towards the stomach. This had cramped her 3 main nerves that soon she would be paralysed. We were very devastated but I thank God that God was merciful to us then. I actually argued with the doctor that made him did a second check, otherwise I would have left it alone.

And because of the new lease of life that Rebecca has, I surrender my life to God then. With this new experience I have in Christ, I live my life differently serving in New Life for past few years and taking my girls along in whatever I do. I feel that it is time for her to give back and use her gift in whatever way she can. I know that she has special talents which she can honour the Lord by blessing others with it.

Well! whatever that happen in this life, I know God has a purpose for everything which now I may not know or understand but will trust Him with my condition. Yesterday I was fine with no headaches but today since morning, I am having it again til now.

Hope that I will be fine tomorrow morning, along day awaits me. I have cancelled all my lessons and packed them during the weekdays. We are going for a family day at Sentosa organised by Anthony's company, wish to have a good time relaxing myself and afternoon will be attending BHR( Building healthy relationship) which I enjoy so much by Valerie Chan. Doing Module 2.

The book Changes That Heal

I felt like a alien to this book when I first read this 2 or 3 yrs back. I tried so hard and managed to read half of the book but understand little. I just couldn't connect or click with what Dr. Henry Cloud wanted to put across. I tried reading Bounderies in Marriage too but was horrified by the 10 laws that he put as illustration or example which brings me confusion.

Now I have to read this book again because of the group discussion this Sunday 15/7 as we have to meet up after Women's breakthrough weekend. I have actually lend it to Charmaine since she asked for it in December 2006. I told her that of so many books I read, this is one of them that I can't click along. Last Sunday, I asked it back from her and have no choice to force myself read it for discussion.

I was so amazed that I have a great insight to the first 20 pages of the book. I just can't believe myself. I managed to understand what he is trying to put across.

I live for 30 years as a christian having only truth and no grace, although grace is mentioned by christians but was hardly applied. Only few years back, I learned about grace through other christians I came in contact with who impacted my life tremendously without realising it.

My 30 years of christian life was a very hard walk with much struggle which is really unnecessary. I was living in confusion most of the time. But I also believe that God has a purpose for every happenings which I am yet to come to term with this one. My Mentor Y used to tell me, it is to glorify Him which I took a few years to accept this truth. I now wish to help walk along side others this christian journey.

Code :It is interesting to compare a legalistic church with a AA group. In this kind of church, it is culturally unacceptable to have problems; that is called being sinful. In the AA group it is culturally unacceptable to be perfect; that is called denial.

I am so happy that now I am in a AA group but I will called it AA church. Dr. Henry Clouds style of presenting and terms used, make me feel very confused. What worshiping 'Truth as god and Grace as god' now I understand. It was just an illustration. I begin to see with understanding through my personal experience of what problems christians facing most of the time.


Code: Truth without grace can be Judgment and Grace without truth can be License.

With only Truth -
He meant that with only Truth, it becomes judgment and critical spirit comes in easily because we are not supposed to sin against God. God wants us to live a holy life which I believe most christians know and want to do so. But we often give in to our sinful nature and weaknesses which when we are in a special painful or hurting circumstances that cause us yield to temptations. With our needs not met we fall and afraid of finger pointing at us, the true self goes into hiding.

Code: If the true self is in hiding, the false self takes over. The false self is the self that is conformed to this world Rom (12:2). The false self is the self we present to others, the false front, if you will, that we put for others to see.

With only Grace -
Grace without truth becomes freedom, one become directionless and do anything one feel like. Gal 5:13 For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty, only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another.

But if Truth and Grace come together will be John 1:14 - And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth). as the book put it.

I could not understand this book in the past because I always believe that grace and truth are together but humans have often separated them and live through it so ungraciously. Many christians suffer igorantly. And at the same time, no one has ever show me how grace is like, only by knowledge and not by action. And I have someone telling me, the people you met are of different culture from us. I was very upset then, I told myself that if this is consider a culture then I prefer this one then what we are having. At that time, I felt that it could be changed to a better culture. So I joined the women Sunday school, hoping to be the influence but was very difficult because the power of influence from the rest was so strong that many times I felt depressing. After one year or so, I quit. I quit because I realised it from Lee's college where I studied my counselling course from that it is not possible because circumstances do not allow growth, learning and acepting.

Code: As long as the lying, false self is the one relating to God, others, and ourselves, then grace and truth cannot heal us. The false self tries to "heal" us by its own methods; it always finds false solutions, and the real self that God created to grow into his likeness stays hidden and unexposed to grace and truth.

If we continue our life in a place where sins is not acceptable to allow one to make changes, how can healing of our pain and hurt take place? When it is a ashameful and sinful thing to have unforgiveness, hatred and even being depressed. If one dare not acknowledge that one is hurting, healing and growing can't take place. Time just past, year after year, accumulating them is the worst. Many people say as the time passes, pain and hurt will heal by itself. This is definitely NOT TRUE because I had been through it.

Now, Guy S came to mind again and I recalled what I told him. It was our last family service, he sms me during service to talk after worship.
He hoped that I considered staying on instead of moving on to another church. I was very surprised by him. He knew of my leaving because I lend him a book and had to get it back from him. If not, I wouldn't have told him because I actually don't quite know him.

I told him that I had decided to make this choice which is also a great decision for my family, as the Lord had led me so. I then told him that I wished to go to a church where sinners are. (I mean where we are accepted, respected, loved as a person irregardless of who we are). I am not looking for a perfect church or warm church which others used to think that probably people are too cold here.
Anthony told me the same thing, I think through for a numbers of day and did alot of soul searching. I finally had an answer which I got to tell Guy S. Isn't God amazing, I didn't plan it, it just come naturally and I have an answer from my heart not trying to make lame excuses. And I continued to tell him that I can't go on having the formed and pattern of christian life, living not in reality but full of hyocrisies. I knew he wasn't satisfied with my answer because he didn't undertstand what I was trying to put across then. Hope he will understand some day.

No wonder, I told Obed that I feel so release( happy) being able to be myself in this church because I am not pressured by putting false front. And I can be myself.

Yes, I am happy and growing in this church. Only can't get used to the loud music and yet to get used to the style they sing.
Imagine that what I am sharing about is only the first 20 pages of the book. The sudden enlightened that I have, is beyond what I can describe. I believe alot of things come to light in His time and for His glory.
And everything just fall into place like a jigsaw puzzle. I am just so overwhelmed and the people of God says AMEN. May God bless the reader.

Doers of the word msg this Sunday 8/7

Was very impressed by the preacher this Sunday. He was real and transparent himself, the willingness to make right his life even with his parents. He shared that he has been busy as a pastor and had neglected his parents in some ways which the Lord had convicted him to make an effort to spend some time with them with his wife.

The one thing that he mentioned about the togetherness in serving touches me. Sharing the same passions and oneness together building the booth in Neh 8:17. Having the same mind and coming together as one which I yet to see or enjoy in this church.

Gracestoration

Today, I clearly understood what is grace by design and grace by default. We had such wonderful time at Mentor P's house. There were 6 of us and she hopes to teach and channel us out to walk along side with others.

I was very touch by the honesty of everyone of us who faces real life struggles and the willingness to learn and come out from the pit that we were once in. Some shared, they take a longer time and I thank God, as for myself, I came out rather quickly but very painfully with much struggles.

I thank God for Mentor P that God has used her so specially in my life, there is no pretentious spirit in her though she has many weaknesses. The willingness to change or make right is there. That's what I admire about her. May God always bless her, the journey that she takes to walk with Him. As she is working very hard on her master of social science on counselling. I could see that she enjoy and learn alot that many time she could not contain, she wants to share it with us but we do not have time. She will just say, is very good, is very good, Ruth, you will like it. This make me feel that I have missed it. Well! shall see.

Is also my desire to do this course ever since we graduated together but the Lord has not shown me anything about it. Instead, the Lord seems to channel me to other stuffs which I am doing them right now.

Preparation for 2nd Thai trip

Am glad to have met up with Mentor P and her friend Jenny. I believe we will have a wonderful time ministering to the people there. Jenny is so good with craft that she has such unbelievable plan to help the village Sunday School teachers, missioneries, pastor's wife there.

Jenny is very organised and efficient, hope we can work together in the Lord. She has so far raise some fund towards this trip to help the people make their own visual aid on the story of Jonah and the great Shepherd.

Can't believe that Mentor P gives me this challenge to share Gracestoration with Jenny on the trip. Am yet to internalise and understand it well to share it to her. Jenny travels round the world with her husband on the ministry ' Finishing Well' for many years. She will be ministering in Philippine for a few weeks before we had our second meeting.

This trip is so different from the one I plan last year. My focus was for the youth to experience God's wonderous work. That they can be the channel God wants to use to bless others. This time is focus on helping them out in their teaching skill with ideas on Sunday school lessons and encourage them spiritually through singing.

Pray for us, is a big group of adults from 100 - 150. Rebecca will help in singing and we need to brush up our Thai language more. Especially the words use in the book of Jonah.

Pastor E's message

He spoke on the different between Happiness and Joy. Happiness is me focus and it depend on circumstances but Joy is God focus and does not depend on circumstances.
He said Joy is conditional, there are certain channel God allows to flow through. And the chief channel is the word of God.

And when one has unreasonable worries or unconfess sins, we cannot experience the joy of the Lord. Joy comes only when we have restedness in Christ. He moved on to speak on Isa 52, 53, 54 this represent Break Free, Break Through and Break Forth respectively.

And I agree with him that many of us often stay captive in our lifes. I thank God that I have learned to free from being captive in my thoughts, the way I go about life. I have come to trust the Lord more often than before. I use to struggle and fear but now I have learnt to entrust God with my future. And I do hope for the many more years to come that the Lord will enpower to live this life for His glory and be that channel He can use.

My friend Corina

I met Corina at the women's break through weekend. She was the assistant group leader. We hardly talk much, all I know was she help in the youth WEB service by getting mothers to prepare food whenever they have a special occasion.

We had our group dinner gathering at her house on 28/6/07 Thurs, I bought a bouquet of roses for her but I forgot to bring that day. So I decided to give her on Sunday, somehow I had this impression on my heart that I should offer my help on food as she needed help badly because the turn out for the youth easily come up about 300. She was so happy about it.

I was so amazed by what she told me later, even until now. I just can't believe by ears. She invited me to join a prayer group where the mothers pray during the youth service for the youth weekly which I can never get anyone to do this in the past. She even desire that parents can become counselors to youth or organised workshop for them. Of course they need to be trained and equip.
She has great wishes which are also my desire all along in the past YF but it is too difficult to carry out all these because of the lack of support. Now I found people who shares my thoughts and heart beats, it just so amazing. The parents have been prayering like this for a year.

I see my dream coming, sound like the Lord offering it to me to help do planning with the mothers. I begin to see open door coming, shall wait upon the Lord with patience. And use whatever I have learnt for the past few years, hope it can be a blessing to others. And at least 5 of us had done couselling with LEE's College, may be we can come together to help the youth grow in the Lord and organises workshops.

When I talked to Charmaine this morning, was even more surprised to know that Matt wanted to meet up with parents to have discussion this Saturday. It was already planned few weeks ago and my girls didn't remember to tell me but the Lord did. Thanks to the bouquet of flowers, if I had given her the flowers earlier, I would not have come to know so much because it was not in our conversation at all neither did I thought of offering my help on cooking. It was just strange kind of prompting on my heart last Sunday. And Corina did not insist that I should go to WEB this Saturday. I felt very much that the Lord is leading.