This few days, feeling physically lousy. I dragged making the decision to hosiptialise myself for four days to do infusion. This is to stop the pain from head, neck, shoulder, arm and to the hands as Dr. Siow said that it would help to get rid of the pain completely.
I hesitated because the medication he gave me is so strong that cause me to sleep through out the day and night, yet it didn't take away the pain on my body. I feel that it is a major decision because what if it didn't work out to stop the pain. I might have side effect due to it that the Dr. may not be responsible for it.
I have carried this pain for more than 2 yrs. Somehow the Lord didn't answer my prayer for deliverance. By now, I can't bear the pain without taking painkiller.
Lately, I have decided to take Pontalon medication, which is very strong to kill pain. Even with that I have still 30% pain, bearable. I have tried all treatment to no avail.
Today, Rebecca wanted to watch a show. I was not very interested due to body pain. I don't even know what I will be watching.
My aim of going with her is because I do not know when will be the next time that I am able to do so. While I am still able to move and talk, I did better do what I can. I believe she isn't aware how bad shape I am, anyway she is living in her own world of what she wants.
I very much look forward for a deliverance but what if it is not my expection. I have to be prepared for the worst because only God knows what's best. I have been thinking alot these few days.
Due to being trouble by a friend's attitude lately, I hope to speak to Rebecca. I wanted to help her understand some stuff about working with people.
I agree that the moive 'Dance Subaru' is a good one. There is alot of insight about the show. She was told to able to learn to sense her surrounding dancers while she is dancing. She needs to be sensitive to people's move around her, be constantly aware as a team. So that she knows how to go along in the right way and timing. She was also told by the coach not to allow the dancing technics master or control her moves but instead master the technics and used them to dance it right as a skill.
I am trying to say that either you master your ambition or ambition master your life. A person can also master their passion by God's grace or be master by your passion. These are two complete different things because it has different result in life. This is what happened to Dancer Liz Pack whose ambition was to be the top dancer. Dancer Mana is always jealous over Subaru's talent. In the end Dancer Liz Pack lost to Subaru, who dance for joy of dancing.
Is about a person's value and believe or mind set. Rebecca saw a skirt that she wanted so much but she barely fit it right. Although it is not expensive but probably she could only put on once and realise it isn't suitable. She is so taken in by just a skirt, instead of telling herself, "yes is really nice but not for me. Will look out for better ones." I offer her another skirt which fit better but she didn't quiet like it. Somehow, she wanted to buy both. I was very taken aback and I told her don't buy something you don't like, let's not buy at all. She was adamant, nothing can change so finally I gave in and pay for both.
I was extremely disappointed with her, I had to rush home to teach and had no time to go on like this with her. I asked her a question, " If you saw a rotten apple and like it so much. Why would you buy it when you can't eat it." She answered," I will still buy it because I like it so much. If I choose to eat it, I am the one who vomit it out not you, why you bother."
Her unteachable spirit shocked me to tears. I now understand how she chooses to lead her life. I already have some fear and have been trying to get her to do her devotion using daily bread so that she may have wisdom from God before she is selected to US disneyland for attachment.
I know that doing quiet time cannot be forced but since she wanted an attachment so far away, she better learn to commune with God. Only God can be with her always and at anytime.
My friend has a special calling from God. I know that she has a passion to serve and raise up the next generation of pastors and missionaries. Her passion turn weird when she started to be controlling and blaming for things that frustrated her. I was aware of what she said, her spirit of accusing others became so real to me that I fear working with her. What she said wasn't true because I know what's going on, such immature person shocked me.
She appeared to me for 2 yrs, a woman of prayer, God fearing but when she begins to master her passion to serve God the ways she wants, everythings change. God no longer is the master of her passion, it was very scary for me that I back out last minute.
I believe she loves God and she wants to please God but when a person lost her senses of serving, it becomes messy.
Even a person not a christian but mature in life, can manage ambition rightly. Of course, chances very slim because we are fallen man. We need God's enlightment every now and then, to warn us of danger. Danger of what we wanted, irregardless of anything, any unforseen circumstances, in any situation, you just want. One can lost senses of hurting others to fulfill what one wanted. Can this bring about a right result?
I was upset with Rebecca more of values that she needs to know than a skirt. The right values you have will bring you a long journey in life and to where the right person, the place you go and the right thing you do. Yes, it hurts me because I can't me there to warn her always or advice her when she is in trouble.
Well! I believe one needs to be teachable in order to learn. Like my friend, she is my age yet she behaves like a child. What more Rebecca is still in her teens. Hope that she find God wherever she is.
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